Israel's Real Eurovision Entry

KAN (Israeli Public Broadcasting) Eurovision Israel has produced a fun(ny) haha video, promoting the coming Eurovision Song Contest, to be staged in Tel Aviv this coming weekend. Called This is the land of honey, honey! it bombs (ahem) spectacularly.

"Let Lucy and Elia take you in [sic] a musical journey throughout the most important parts of Israel. We promise you won't forget it," runs the accompanying text. And it's true - This is the land of honey, honey! is not only unforgettable, but uniquely so. It is in fact so bad, so guache, and so tacky, that KAN was forced to issue a same day (10/5) disclaimer after the tweeted thumbs-down started pouring in: "Just to be clear: the musical was satire and was meant to deal with stereotypes about Jews in Israel. YES, also by self-deprecating humor like we love. We know our flaws and we're not ashamed to laugh at all of them."

KAN's disclaimer, however, fails to convince, leading to the inevitable conclusion that the Zionist project, from go to WOE, is, and has never been, a laughing matter, for Palestinians obviously, but also for all sentient Jews and non-Jews not reeling under the influence of ziocaine. Israel's once vaunted propaganda machine, like its military performance since its whipping by Hezbollah in 2006, has seen one spectacular fail after another. This is the land of honey, honey! is just the latest debacle.

To see why, I've transcribed the whole production, adding stage directions in brackets. Keep in mind that Elia's tall, attractive companion, Lucy, is purported to be an Arab Israeli, and note that when she admits this, in contrast with words such as 'Jews' and 'Israel', the word 'Arab' is written in the relevant subtitle in the lower case throughout (arab). You'll note too the capitalised words. Buckets ready?

***

(Clueless young Western couple arrive at Tel Aviv airport for Eurovision. Young women hold signs: Mr Grinfeld, Miss Ayoub. Cut to short, pudgy young man (Elia) holding sign, which reads):

Dare to Dream
Euro(heart circling Star of David)ision
Song Contest
Tel Aviv 2019

Elia (confronts clueless Westerners, singing): Stop, don't say a word. I know just what you heard, that it's a land of war and occupation...
Lucy: But we have so much more than that, you'll see the prices and say, 'what?' we like to call ourselves the startup nation.
Lucy (handing clueless couple mobile phone with image of Elia and herself on it): We're here to be your guide, a small country with big pride
Elia: So please kapara join this quick indoctrination
Lucy (following clueless couple into lift): And there's a lot here to be seen, if you will it, it's no dream, please let us help you have a great vacation

(Clueless couple seated in an empty theatre look cluelessly at one another. Cut to airport terminal. Elia and Lucy pop up, chorusing):

This is the land of milk and honey, honey, we are the land of milk, the land is always sunny, sonny, we are as smooth as silk

Lucy: I'm Lucy, I'm arab, yes some of us live here
Elia: Elia, from Russia, we fled there out of fear
Lucy: In fact most of [sic] Israelis have complex identities, that is why we all look at each other here as frenemies
Elia: Most of us are Jews, but only some of us are greedy
Lucy (in subway with clueless new arrivals): And you might notice people here are very very needy (person stoops to offer coins)

(Cut to bus station)

Lucy: We're generous, we're kind (as some Israeli is shown helping a luggage-ladden visitor onto a bus), we'll always help a stranger

(Cut to interior of bus)

Elia (sitting with Lucy opposite clueless couple): The drivers are all mad, so cars can be a real danger
Lucy: This is the land of honey, honey, and living here is bleak (Cut to Elia lying tummy down on floor of bus) The land is always sunny, sonny

Elia & Lucy (arms around clueless couple): It's your love that we seek

(Cut to panoramic shot of Tel Aviv)

Elia (wearing an 'I love Iron Dome' t-shirt): Such a marvel, look at that, on open shop and it's Shabbat

(Cut to hugging gays)

Elia: Gays are hugging in the streets (Cut to vegan protester), protests against eating meat, it is easy to achieve only in [sic] here, Tel Aviv, only here, in Tel Aviv, It's too expensive but I won't leave, (sitting at cafe table, confiding) They joke that we all drink espresso, which is crazy because like... who doesn't like to drink espresso, it's like coffee, everybody drinks coffee
Lucy (emerging from cafe): Hallas, Elia

(Cut to Elia crossing bridge): Stroll the parks, walk on the bridges and enjoy our lovely bitches
Lucy: But wait! There's so much more to the country than Tel Aviv, tell them boys!

(Cut to Israeli guy in swimwear, singing): In Eilat there are the corals, and the good shawarma
(Cut to orthodox Jewish guy, singing): Haifa has Bahai Gardens, and a good shawarma, all the street food here is great
(Cut to male chorus & Elia): As a game we like to vote it, generally speaking I think you should try shawarma

(Cut to the Dead Sea)
Lucy: This is the lowest place on earth, the deadest of the seas, because of all the... (Elia, floating in the water, replies 'phosphate?') You'll float so be at ease, It's a sad, sad tragedy because of all the factories, in a number of some[sic] years the sea will disappear
(Cut to panoramic shot of East Jerusalem)
Elia & Lucy (popping up suddenly): And our beloved capital, golden Jerusalem, see the shuk, the old city, and (solemnly intoning) visit YAD VASHEM
(Cut to church)
Elia: Experience the holy sites, gods [sic] watching from above, yes, people here are crazy, and that is what we love
(Cut to airport flash dancers): This the land of honey, honey, we're waiting just for you, our land is sunny, sonny, can't wait for the Eurovision too