It may surprise you but every so often in The Australian I come across a letter that I wish I had written.
Wednesday's edition bore just such a letter.
Israel can't win was the title of this deeply-felt meditation on all that Israel has done, and is about to do, for us, and how lacking in gratitude and recognition our response has always been and will be again, undoubtedly because, at bottom (where we belong, face it) we are all just snivelling anti-Semites.
This much-needed wake-up call comes from the pen of John Dawson, Chelsea, Vic, and here it is, with only my warm and appreciative words to break its divinely-inspired flow:
"Some morning soon, the world will wake to the news that Israel has bombed Iran's nuclear facilities causing massive devastation and loss of life. The first reaction will be a sigh of relief from Washington to Moscow to Riyadh to Paris to Ankara to nearly every capital in the world."
Yes, John, like you, each and every one of us across the planet has been sweating - SWEATING! - at the thought of an Iranian mushroom cloud (or clouds, why not?) messing with his mien or buggering up his 'burb. That baneful thought has for too long now been the very stuff of our nightmares, and has cast a pall over our every waking moment. And how right you are! I can hear it now in my mind's ear, that universal sigh of relief, rising to the very Throne of God himself who, in his Judeo-Christian benevolence, has sent among us valiant little Israel, his Avenging Sword, to smite the Evildoers. Shame about the massive destruction and loss of life you mentioned, but, hey, if it doesn't faze a man of your calibre, why should it faze the likes of me? They're just brown people after all, right? And when you're brown, you go down, right?
"By afternoon, from nearly every capital and the UN, a tsunami of condemnation will swamp Israel. Its embassies will be besieged, its PM declared the new Hitler and Jewish businesses around the world will have been sacked."
Spot on again, John! We're only too happy when Israel rolls up its sleeves and selflessly does our dirty work for us, downing those browns. But then what do we do? We hypocritically point the finger and treat it as some kind of monster, when it's actually quite shy and retiring, and ever so cute and cuddly. And hot, I'm sure you'll agree! Why, some among us even have the gall to suggest that it's really the Israelis who are the hypocrites because they've got shitloads of nukes. Can you believe this? Some even say that this shy, retiring, cute, cuddly (and totally gorgeous) creature just wants to be boss cocky in the Middle East when, as we who read The Australian know, she's more your naked, trembling, white virgin circled by pitiless, lecherous, leering, hairy, unbelievably sweaty, garlic-munching, tea towel-wearing, scimitar-waving, shitty brown bikies, right?
"Israel's days will be numbered, but the world will have gained a nuclear breather while keeping its hands clean by scapegoating the Jews - they have always been useful for that."
Yes, John, and when the peerless Israeli virgin is finally deflowered and lying there lifeless, her corpse hideously disfigured by the slash of a 1001 scimitars (though somehow still radiantly beautiful), we'll think of her when we ourselves, in her unlamented absence, are forced to fight off the same swarthy, scimitar-waving hordes to the apocalyptic backdrop of 1001 mushroom clouds, won't we?