My fellow Aussies, according to Toeknee we are facing a "national emergency on our borders." And if Toeknee says it's an NE, then that's good enough for me - and it bloody well should be good enough for you too, OK?
Not unnaturally when one is in the thick of an NE, the question arises: Are the wife, the kids and the leaf-blower safe? You know... from the brown people determinedly, as Toeknee's mate Greg Sheridan puts it, invading our shores.
That's the question on everyone's* lips these days. I for one would like to know. And I'm pretty sure you would, too.
Well, thankfully, one Adrian Smith of Arana Hills, Qld, has done the math (and the geography) and the verdict is in. We are safe:
"I don't share concerns about a flood of asylum-seekers reaching Australia by island-hopping across the Torres Strait. Manus Island is in the Bismark Sea, about 1000km from Cape York. It is about 300km, as the crow flies, from the northern side of the PNG coast. After crossing that stretch of water, any escapees would have to travel more than 600km across the PNG mainland, including the Owen Stanley Ranges, of Kokoda Track fame, to get to the nearest departure point." (The Australian, 30/7/13)
Now you may be wondering, despite his reassuring calculations, just why it is that Adrian is so confident that we really are safe from these scurvy, determined, yukky brown invaders.
It's simple, really. It's because he, unlike you or I, has the wisdom and good fortune to be living in the safest place in the country - Arana Hills, Qld.
But don't just take Adrian's word for it. Ask his good friend and neighbour, brynndg:
"[Arana Hills] is quiet and friendly with a low crime rate and an abundance of parks, national parks and schools, perfectly suited for families or those which [sic] just like to live in a quieter area but who travel daily to the CBD. The nearby national parks ensure plenty of birdlife and clear [sic] air as opposed to the smog and traffic noise associated with living in town. The local shopping centre has just been upgraded which has almost everything you could need... Internet and television reception is perfect. Additionally, Arana Hills was one of the few places in [sic] which remained dry during the recent floods which inundated the majority [?!] of the state of QLD." (Arana Hills - an undervalued area, brynndg, 27/2/13, streetadvisor.com.au)
So there you go, my friends. Now that you know the safest place in all of Australia to stash the leaf-blower, what the hell are you waiting for? After all, when fighting the zombie invasion on the beaches fails (because you've run out of ammo and the zombies, being zombies, just keep on coming), there'll eventually come a time when you and yours will need to head for the hills - the Arana Hills, of course. So why not beat the inevitable rush? Get in early, I reckon.
Know this, my fellow Australians: in Arana Hills, your house is warm. Your chair is comfortable. The gates are securely shut. The security never fails. You are at ease. Untouchable. Nothing can harm you. Why would it? You are thankful for everything you have. You are thankful for everyone that you love. And you are thankful, for this, you can be sure. That you are safe. You. Are. Safe.**
Go on! Off you go! And when you get there, say hi to Adrian and brynndg for me, OK?
[*"An Essential poll released on Monday showed 61% of surveyed Australians approved of the federal government's announcement that all asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat will be sent to Papua New Guinea for processing and none will be resettled in Australia." (Malaria risk for mothers and children, Bianca Hall, Sydney Morning Herald, 30/7/13); **With apologies to the wonderful Transglobal Underground.]