Sunday, June 8, 2014

Will Australia Resist Israel's Advances?

Now where were we?

Oh yes, way out there on the very tip of that aforementioned UN limb, with Australia astride Israel's lap, getting decidedly physical...

Australia (arms around Israel's neck): Hi, handsome. OMG, is this the hardest cushion I've ever sat on, or are you just, like, pleased to see me?

Israel (smirking, unable to believe his luck): Both, bitch. My dick's as deadly as a rubber bullet, pure steel under a gristle coating. And when I come it's like white phosphorus over Hamastan. Burn, babies, burn, know what I mean?

Australia: Love it when you talk dirty, Israel. Hey, I hear it's such a tough neighborhood around here, I'm surprised you've got time, like, to get it up.

Israel: There's no keeping an Israeli dick down, bitch. We're not known as Erectz Israel for nothing, you know? Let me tell you a story.

Australia: Love stories! A dirty one?

Israel: The best, babe.

Australia: Shoot, handsome... Oh, wait. I can't believe, like, I just said that... (giggles uncontrollably)

Israel: Listen up, bitch, it's about one of our greatest warrior-poets, name of Arik.

Australia: Hey, wasn't he the one who erected all those, like, cheeky settlements in, like, disputed territory?

Israel: That's the one. We used to call him the Bulldozer! Sadly, he's no longer with us anymore, but his spirit lives on! Now, zip it, I've got a story to tell!

Australia: Yes, boss!

Israel: It was back in May '48. Arik was just 12 at the time. Twelve! He was taking part in the Battle of Latrun against the Arab Legion, trying to penetrate the blockade of Jerusalem. He got hit in the nuts - or so he thought - and was evacuated to a camp for the wounded. A sexy young nurse asked him to urinate but he couldn't. When she called for a catheter, he said, Wait, I'll try again. This time he succeeded. Then she kissed him, smack on the mouth! Now how did he put it? It was only then that I realised that my wound was not where I had feared.

Australia: Go on! You're making it up. You Israelis are, like, such liers.

Israel: No way, bitch. It's all there in Uri Dan's book, Ariel Sharon: An Intimate Portrait, page 13.

Australia: Let's give it a go then (kisses him). OMG, you're, like, channeling Arik!

Israel: Every inch an Arik, bitch! Hey, listen, I've got an idea. Now we know each other a little better, why don't you ditch that pad of yours back in Tel Aviv, and I'll set you up with something much nicer here in Jerusalem? Whaddya say?

Can Australia resist? That's the question.

Now in case you think I'm imagining things here, check out Tanya Nolan's interview* with a former Australian ambassador to Israel, Peter Rodgers, on Australia's current - ahem - moves, where she asks him that very question:

Tanya Nolan: What do you think the risk is now, by Australia not recognising that Israel is occupying East Jerusalem, of our being invited to relocate [our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem]?

Peter Rodgers: Oh, I'm sure they'll be invited. It's a question of whether they have the fortitude to resist the invitation.

Watch this space...

[*The World Today, Radio National, 6/6/14]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Stop it MERC.
I am having visions of the GROTESQUE love child.