The Art of False Negotiations

Another timely Circus Israel classic on the peace process that passeth all understanding (circusisrael.blogspot.com, 21/3/08):

Circus Israel's revered national game, faux negotiations with the Palestinians, is on again - and as fresh as ever. We talk and we take, while the clock ticks away. And when the sun goes down, Circus Israel's a little larger and Mohammed's a little more exhausted.

But is it as easy as it looks? We spoke with Circus Israel's current ringmaster and head bullshit artist, Ehud Olmert. Here's how he plays the game...

EO: Listen, Abbas knows my end game. More land, fewer Arabs. That's it. But we meet anyway, for Condoleezza Brown Rice and the European Union. We talk. I kill time. We talk. I kill more time. Anything I can do to stall. I stall like a yeshiva boy outside the girls' toilet. If I didn't have some fun with it, I'd go crazy. I floss my teeth, I start sobbing, I laugh like a monkey, I text Livni with raunchy jokes. I make us exercise, half an hour, as much as they'll take. I told Erekat, 'You're so fat, Saeb. Sweat, goddam you!' Oy, the things that pop out of my mouth. 'Mahmoud, let's give each other a massage'. 'Hey, who's this Guitar Hero I keep hearing about?' But seriously, when I just can't take any more, I run some jeeps into Tulkarm for a shoot-up and the Pals go pout for a few days. Look, it is what it is. They can't take a hint, so we do what we have to. It makes the time pass.

Circus Israel: Aren't you concerned they'll call your bluff and agree to your terms?

EO: My terms? My terms are bubbles. You can hardly see them - then poof.

CI: But seriously -

EO: Listen, this'll never end. Even if they agreed to leave, who says they'd stay away?

CI: What about Sderot and Ashkelon? If this conflict never ends...

EO: Sderot and Ashkelon are waging the eternal struggle of the Jewish People by making our enemies look bad. We all have to sacrifice. I have to get a sore tuchus listening to Ahmed Qureia. Hey, how about a massage?