Monday, July 25, 2011

A Guide to the Perplexed

Sometimes I find myself plagued with doubt. Like now for instance. Frankly, I'm wondering whether or not we Palestinian rights activists have perhaps been a little too harsh on Israel. Have we perhaps forgotten in our zeal that Israelis too are human and have feelings? Have we ever stopped to consider what toll our incessant anti-Israel carping must be having on their self esteem? Just how are Israelis coping with being singled out by us?

As always, my guide to all matters Israeli, Circus Israel, has his finger on Israel's pulse and his thermometer up its rectum:

"The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-Semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below...

SHMUEL R. (software designer): 'All I'm saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, you're a Jew-hating shit-head. That's all I'm saying'.

ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): 'I'm only against being singled out. I don't oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that we're unique, a Light Unto Nations, God's Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, don't single us out'.

ADINA L. (early childhood educator): 'Once in a while, single us out for something good we've developed - like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods'.

YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): 'How about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?'

TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): 'Maybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause in... all those places they call trouble in'.

STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor): 'Why don't they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard of international law? Why don't they? Nothing to say, judenrat?'

AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish people): 'Us they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?'

MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): 'Can you believe what they're getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?'

YORAN N. (IDF lieutenant and DJ): 'Which singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?'

DOV L. (rabbi & mohel): 'Blood libel!'

SHIMON P. (President of Israel): 'It's time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence-building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and an airstrike on Iranian nuclear sites'.

AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): 'As a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. It's a real slap in the face to your self-esteem'.

GOLDA A. (painless dentist): 'I have only one question about this repulsive singling out - is it good for the Jews?'" (Israel feeling singled out,, 16/5/10)

OK, so we may have been a little hard on Israel, but no-one's perfect, right? Least of all Israel. So, to be fair, some level of criticism is justified. The problem for us as defenders of Palestinian rights though, is that since criticising Israel is about to become a hanging offence, we need to know just what criticisms are available to us. Again, our infallible guide, Circus Israel, has the answers:

"For reasons that are murky - and probably sinister - the Jewish People have acquired a reputation for demonizing any criticism of the Jewish State. The inference is that we evade responsibility and justify anything we do, no matter how repugnant. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. We enthusiastically welcome constructive criticism. However, certain recent events - the appearance of Rachel Corrie's mother at the San Fransisco Film Festival, the histrionics of leftist cults like Breaking the Silence and New Profile, the libelous slurs of academics at various universities in the US (William Robinson at the University of California, Santa Barbara, for instance), the UK (witness the execrable Hilary Rose), Canada (the flagrant Jew-haters in the CUPE) and Israel (eg. the traitors, Neve Gordan and Noah Slor at Ben Gurion University), the lunatic ravings of Arab-Israelis (MK Ahmed Tibi, for one) and self-hating Israeli Jews (Ezra Nawi, naturally) and misguided references to the so-called Nakba in Israeli textbooks - have simply not been constructive. They have been anti-Semitic. They need correction.

"Nonetheless, although we are chosen, we are not perfect. It's 'fair game' to discuss our shortcomings. To encourage such healthy discussion, we will provide examples of reasonable criticism of the State of Israel. Goyim should not hesitate to address the following Israeli deficiencies, so long as the content and tone of your discourse are not hurtful to our sensibilities.

1) Israel has not done everything possible to save the entire world from nuclear annihilation by Iran. Although Ahmadinejad and the bloodthirsty, Arab-like Persian mullahs unquestionably intend to slaughter most of the human race and enslave the survivors, Israel has failed to convince the world to annihilate the Iranians first.

2) Israel has failed to redeem all the Land of Israel for the exclusive enjoyment of the Jewish People. Israel has allowed the selfishness and perfidy of various intruders and their sponsors to obstruct our redemption - which is the sole reason the universe was created.

3) Israel has neglected to arm both sides of several international conflicts, thus depriving one side of the benefits of Israeli military technology. The People who gave the world Einstein, Freud and Marx now have a responsibility to fully share the products of Israel Military Industries and Elbit.

4) Israel has failed to help more Palestinians find jobs in London, Istanbul and New Jersey. We are working on this and will ask Irving Moskowitz, Sheldon Adelson and Haim Saban to fund a job board or something.

5) Israel hasn't always told the exact truth to non-Jews. This is entirely attributable to our security needs. And to the simple fact that we're very special and smart. And you couldn't handle the truth anyway.

6) Israel has only a couple of golf courses and they suck.

7) Israeli human traffickers aren't providing even a minimal education for the women they sell. As a result, these women have little value to their pimps after their erotic appeal wears out.

8) Israel has allowed far too many gentiles to learn Hebrew, undermining its function as a secret code. This jeopardizes our security and singularity. We recommend you study Navajo and leave our language to us.

9) Israel has failed to reach out to diaspora Jews living on other planets. Consequently, few extra-terrestrials have made aliyah to the Land of Israel.

10) Israel has not been sufficiently precise about the Arab-to-Jew ratio for purposes of prisoner exchanges. The official and precise ratio is hereby set at 1100 to 1. The comparable ratio for casualty counts is 1,000,000 to 1. Also, the official and precise ceiling on the acceptable Arab population of the land of Israel is 1. Or less.

11) Israelis have trained themselves to lick their own balls. While this has prevented intermarriage in many instances, it has made us appear self-absorbed.

12) Israel loves too much. We give and give and give, but where does it get us? Enough said." (Yes, you can criticize Israel,, 22/8/09)

I trust you've found that useful. I know I have.

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